Aunt Aggie

Happened to find this within my junks of mail. It's me advising someone with her troubled relationship.

It may sound as if I am asking her to let her boyfriend step all over her but to me it is like dealing with a trouble kid. You can't use force or they'll rebel further. So hopefully the following will help someone else in a similar situation.

And take note of the 2nd last paragraph. That's the gist of it.

I know how you are feeling right now. If I am right, you feel that you've done so much - giving in etc but not being reciprocated. You are absolutely right.

If you have given up, then there is nothing I can help you out with. But if you think that you still want to try, then you just need to be a little more patient.

Getting someone else to talk to him is not a good idea. To me, and I believe to him too, it is interfering into your affairs. He might get even angrier that you did not go to him first but chose a third party instead. From what you've told me, I believe he wants to work it out too even though he did not seem to. Thing is, just like you, he do not know how.

Him being hot tempered and feeling inferior to you just makes invoking his anger easier. People who feel inferior will tend to wall up and use a callous attitude as a defense mechanism. You have to accept that he will do that. You cannot change him, just like most women who will cry if they got upset. What you can change is how he sees you, as someone who is not an enemy but instead his best friend. When that happens, whatever advice to give him, he will accept and listen, provided it is done correctly. He needs to see that you are on his side.

You know his background and you know his limitation, financially etc. Use that info to your advantage, not his to vent his anger.

First of all, my advice is to learn how to get to his head. If you can find that avenue, you would find it easier to communicate with him. Remember, he is fire. You don't fight fire with fire. I know you feel that you are giving in too much but don't forget, he do not know what the hell he is doing wrong. Until you can get him to realise it, he, in a way is not totally at fault.

1. Anger

Hot tempered people need to realize that what they are doing is wrong. I know you don't like to be yelled at etc, so you've got to let him know. Teach him how to control his anger by letting him know when he is doing it. If he raises his voice at you, tell him nicely not to do that. You can say like "Dear, don't yell, please. Talk to me nicely".

Don't get angry yourself or be sarcastic or make him feel like you are trying to be someone in control of him but rather someone who is longing for him to be gentle. If he still continue, then tell him nicely "You're angry. We put down the phone ok?". If he stops yelling thank him to let him know that you appreciate it.

The point is, let him think he is in control but actually you are. If you tell him not to yell and he listens, who is in control? You or him? Let him think that he is in control by seeing that you are nice to him. It's like training a pet.

2. Money

This is sensitive issue. It always is.

If you want him to show that you are worth more than just money to him, then make him do it. If he says he can't take you out, so be it. Wait until the day he wants to take you out which means he got everything covered.

I can guarantee you that if you keep doing this, he will be miserable not being able to be with you. If he's not, then you know then that he is not for you.

When he do take you out, thank him at the end of the day. Again, let him feel appreciated. Problem is you have to endure yourself not being able to see him often too.

3. Time

This is kind of related to the above.

You can ask but if he don't want to, then tell him "It's ok" but don't sound pissed. You're disappointed and sad so say things like "so sad, I was looking forward to see you". Then don't call him for the whole day. If he asked why, lie and say that you went out.

It is even better if you actually do go out, especially when he call you and he knows you're out. Let him know that you are looking forward to spend your day outside with him but if he can't then that's too bad. Doing this, he will feel a bit guilty that you spend you day alone or with other people and not him. It may even make him realise that he might be redundant. Again, if he don't care not spending time with you, then that's your sign that he's not for you.

4. Listening ear

If you want to confide to him about your day, let him know first that you want to do that. SMS something like "I am feeling stressed. Need to let it out by talking to you. Are you free?" If he calls then it means he wants to listen. If not, then he don't want to. What is the point if he don't want to and in the end he gets angry right?

Do it a couple of times and he will see that you need him without forcing him. Men only wants to make their women happy and if you do this way, then he will know that this is one way to make you happy. Again, always say thank you when he do.

5. Correcting him

This is very intricate.The main thing you need always remember is to show that you respect him. Egoistic men feeds on respect by their women.

Before you correct him off him say something like "Dear, can I say something? But don't get angry please". Always sound that you are not blaming or belittling him. Sound like you are lost and hard for you to correct him but you need to and that it is for the best for your relationship. If he gets angry, apologise that you speak up and make him know you are keeping it instead. Men cannot take it if women refuse to tell the truth. Say something like "Sorry if I made you angry. It's ok, I just keep it until you want to talk about it." If he yells, then refer on top. If he accepts, then say thank you etc.

I know this sounds like you need to give in a lot but like I said, it is about training. You train him, you'll get what you want. Objective is to get what you want. Once he is trained, you can get him to do what you want. Concentrate on getting him to do good and let go of his bad points for the moment. Let him know indirectly that he needs to change and that you appreciate when he do.

If all the above fails, then it simply means he do not appreciate you. There is only one thing left for you do to which is to leave him and move on.

I wish you the best.

Sincerity

I seriously do not know what happened last night. I expected the worst but it turned out surprising well.

All I know is that being sincere is all that matters. Retribution/karma works both ways.

Aware saga

The recent AWARE saga raises the following points.

1. Secular organisation

How true that the ex-exco headed by Josie Lau is closely link to Christianity is anyone's guess but I agree that AWARE should remain secular. It's only concern are women, regardless race, language or religion.

2. Inclusive

Again, women, regardless of sexual orientation too.

3. Homosexuality

I think sex education should include anything that is common. If you hide it, then it is the same as not talking about sex to the young which defeats the purpose of sex education.

However, sex education to the young is not the same as sex education for adults. Adults wants to explore, while the young needs to be aware of the consequences eg pregnancy etc. Huge difference.

I have no problem with the part where anal sex is included in the sex education by Aware because anal sex is sex, just is oral sex . However, it should not be an avenue for exploration, not to the young. You don't teach the young the karma sutra right?

So the context of it is important and it should apply throughout be it anal or not.